anxiety setting in...

I am starting to feel uncomfortable -- aches and pains down my back and into my legs. I'm probably a week away from not being able to see my feet. I'm learning that pillows are my best friend and that I have to rest every single day -- even if that laundry goes unfolded and the dishes sit dirty in the sink.

I have no sense of portion control anymore and feel like food is permanently attached to my hands. I simply can't say no to sugar anymore -- if there are cookies or donuts in our newsroom, forget about it. I try very hard to remember my vitamins and get my fruits, veggies and dairy. I worry that I am gaining weight way too fast and will never be able to get it off so I can get back into my size 6's again. I see the small dresses I wore to my brother in law's wedding in California and think I'll never look that good again.

Suddenly I will burst into tears for no reason (re: Saturday night when my dear husband noticed I wasn't enjoying my dinner as much as normal and I thought he was accusing me of cooking it poorly -- luckily he knows by now, ice cream heals all).

I'm realizing I can't do the simplest tasks anymore -- pull pots and pans out of the kitchen drawers, lift laundry baskets with ease, vacuum our stairs at home, buckle my seat belt. I forget everything I used to be able to keep track of, and am prone to dropping things. I'm learning to perfect that "pregnancy waddle". I feel most days like a bump on a log, watching the world go on without me.

So far, I have very much enjoyed my pregnancy, but now I am yearning for the simple things I used to be able to do. I'm used to handling everything and its been very hard for me to realize...I have to ask for help. Now the insecurity about my appearance is settling in, along with the doubt that I can really learn how to be a parent -- how will I juggle all the late night feedings, the crying, maternity leave, then going back to work? Don't even get me started about my fear of hospitals or labor -- something I still can't get myself to sit down and think through, even though I'm running out of time.

Then I feel the little kicks, the punches, the somersaults and I remember why I'm going through all this. We have been blessed with something we weren't ever sure we'd have -- a family. Then I start thinking about all the things I want to teach him -- how to walk and talk, how to enjoy a good book, how to read music, how to love all things Disney. How much family will always be there for you and how important it is to have good friends to get you through. How much I want him to grow up worrying about absolutely nothing but which toy to play with next. How much his daddy and I will always love him, regardless of which sport he chooses -- baseball or college basketball.

I can't wait for all the birthdays, Thanksgivings and Christmases that he will be the center of attention -- out in the living room, ripping open every gift from his 3 sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles. I can't wait to watch him hug Mickey for the first time. I can't wait for him to start chasing Nala around the house and challenge her to keep up with him. I can't wait to calm every nerve and wipe away every tear and treasure every laugh.

So next time I'm sitting on our couch, feeling like a huge worthless blimp, I'll try to remind myself -- its only temporary...and the best is yet to come. Reminders from everyone else would help too!!!