August 9, 2011 -- we heard the words that every expectant parent eagerly waits for -- "Time to go to the hospital." But in my case, these words weren't comforting at all -- it meant my health was going downhill.
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| Me on induction day -- at my heaviest, 215 pounds and full of fluid |
Just a week before, I spent 2 days in the hospital for a failed induction when my blood pressure went up, a sign of pre-eclampsia. Even though I was maxed out on Pitocin and having contractions, I wasn't dilating, so my doctor sent me home to let nature take its course. I spent the next week completely miserable -- having regular periods of contractions, not able to sleep, nauseous and unable to eat. By that Tuesday morning, as I laid on the couch, breathing through more contractions, I prayed I had made progress and would soon be in full blown labor.
For weeks, my doctor had been running tests for pre-e. I was having weekly blood tests and 24 hour urine tests. I was taking my blood pressure twice a day and ordered on modified bed rest. I had to stop working much earlier than I wanted. My body was done with my 1:30am wakeup call and the stress of being a busy morning executive producer.
That Tuesday, my blood work had changed for the worse. My uric acid level was up, my platelets were dropping and the protein in my urine had jumped, plus my bp was up again. I weighed 215 pounds and my legs, feet and hands were so swollen, they were basically unrecognizable. My doctor checked me and told me I still wasn't dilating -- so she ordered us to the hospital. She would either start the pitocin again for a few hours and see if anything happened or just take me for a c-section. She wanted time to consult with the doctors at the hospital before making the call.
Luckily I had asked Rick to repack our hospital bag and throw it in the car that morning, so we went straight to the hospital. I knew we would be having a baby in just a few short hours -- mother's intuition. We put our families and close friends on alert and Rick dropped me off at the front door of the hospital before going to park. As I sat in the sun, still having contractions, I could not imagine what was ahead of me.
We were immediately taken to a labor and delivery room and I was rushed into bed and put on monitors. Jake was doing extremely well -- he was happy and healthy, like he had been the whole time. But I wasn't. Both my nurses were trying to find a vein to put my IV in but I was so swollen, it was impossible. After repeated sticks on both arms, they called an anesthesiologist to do it for them. He couldn't find anything either. I asked Rick to talk to me while I was going through this -- a technique I learned long ago to keep my mind off of what was happening in the moment. Of course, we talked news -- that was the day of the stock market crash. Then my doctor called....
The nurse came in and said, "C-section at 4:30." It was 3pm or so, and panic started setting in for me. It was not at all what I wanted, or how I thought it would end, and as they told me they would have to put me under general anesthesia, I started crying out of pure fear. I had never had an operation, heavy drugs or anesthesia before. But this was an emergency and Jake had to come out. Eventually I stopped crying, having accepted what was happening, and felt disconnected from the whole thing. The doc was forced to put in a neck IV so he could sedate me for the surgery, even though he had succeeded in getting a shaky IV in my arm. I sent Rick out of the room so I could get my catheter and drink some horrible medicine. He had to go greet his parents anyway, who were down in the waiting room.
When he came back in the room, that's when I knew how bad it was. His face was all red and swollen from crying. He held my hand and we just waited -- I was staring at the clock across the room, watching the minutes tick by. There wasn't much else I could do. They told us Rick couldn't come into the operating room with me -- there was no point, since I would be under. I wish I could say I treasured those last few minutes where it was only us two, but I just wanted the whole thing to be over. Finally my doctor came in to answer any last minute questions and they started wheeling me down the hall to the operating room. They stopped so Rick and I could say goodbye -- it was one of the toughest moments of my life, knowing I was going ahead alone.
I stared at the ceiling as they wheeled me in, watching the lights change. The operating room was very bright and very cold. They immediately started prepping me -- they put up the drape in front of my face so I couldn't see what was happening. They draped me with warm blankets because I was shivering -- partly from cold, partly from nerves. My anesthesiologist and my original nurse stood at my head the whole time, telling me they would be with me the whole time. Finally I heard my doctor walk in, exchanging pleasantries with the staff. There were a bunch of people in the room with me, and I had never felt so exposed my whole life. When she finished scrubbing in, she looked over the drape and said, "Sweet dreams!"
Then suddenly, I was slowly waking up. I was aware that I had had a tube down my throat, it was a little sore. They had taken it out before I came around. Then I was aware that Rick was next to me. He tells me I kept saying to him over and over, "I did it." I don't remember. I do remember him taking out his cell phone and showing me the first picture of Jake. I cried. I couldn't believe he was out and how healthy he looked. I asked to see it over and over, since it would be a while before I was allowed to see him.
I don't remember much else -- Rick and I sat in recovery for a while. Finally they took me back to my l&d room. I do remember clearly the moment they first brought Jake in. The door opened and they wheeled him in -- he was in a clear mobile bassinet. I just remember wanting to hold him, to know he was really there. My state of mind was so foggy, I don't remember holding him for the first time, but there are pictures documenting the moment.
The next 24-36 hours are a blur. My mother in law likes to say the lights were on but no one was home. I was on IV antibiotics and magnesium solfate, which made me basically unconscious. I was aware Rick and his parents were keeping vigil by my bedside. I remember eating lots of ice chips and drinking tons of apple juice. I remember waking sometimes and complaining I was uncomfortable in my hospital bed -- I couldn't shift easily because of all the IV's. I was aware I had a morphine drip that I could control myself but I barely touched it. A lactation consultant visited and tried to teach me to breast feed but I couldn't concentrate. I felt like my eyes were permanently crossed and I just wanted to sleep.
My memory doesn't really come back until the night they transferred me over to the mother and baby floor. They had taken me off the mag and the morphine, which allowed me to become more aware. They took out the catheter and started getting me ready to transfer. My nurse came in and told me my doctor didn't like the look of my labs -- apparantly my platelets were still dropping, so I needed a blood transfusion. That scared me and Rick too. They told me they would just give me two units slowly through my IV overnight on the other floor and that should fix the problem. Finally I was helped out of bed and put in a wheelchair. That was the best ride to the other side of the hospital -- I had a panoramic view of Bolingbrook at sunset and it was beautiful.
Once I was settled across the way, Rick told me my mom and sister were coming up the next morning. Apparantly he'd been making arrangements with them, which meant so much to me. Before bed, I needed two nurses to help me get up and go to the bathroom. It was awful getting out of bed that first time -- I didn't think I could do it. And then it was horrifying that I needed help sitting down that first time. But I kept telling myself it was going to get better.
My wonderful night nurse came in to start the transfusion. She had to have another nurse come in to go over the paperwork and make sure it was the right blood type and everything. I refused to look at that IV all night -- I couldn't think about blood going into my body. Luckily I mostly slept. I woke up around 3am in some pain though -- my nurse brought me Motrin crushed into applesauce for me. I had been offered Vicodin but I refused. I don't like taking pills or being under the influence of medicine. I later realized my pain was not from the c-section but a Velcro binder around my stomach, keeping the incision clean and holding my stomach in. It was digging into me, cutting me deeply -- I'll always have a scar.
The next morning, I awoke feeling great. The transfusion worked and I was back -- not foggy anymore. I ate a full breakfast and eagerly waited for my family to arrive. It was during this time that I finally realized I had a baby. I was so out of it, I really had lost the first 2 days of Jake's life. Rick had to do absolutely everything -- learn how to change him, feed him, hold him. He was amazing, fatherhood came so easily to him. It reminded me of why I married him in the first place. But now I was left with feelings of uncertainty. I didn't know Jacob at all. I didn't know what his cries meant or his personality -- I couldn't even tell you what he looked like really. That morning was the first time I remember holding him and realizing that I was his mom.
Pretty soon the door opened and my mom walked in. Watching her look at Jacob for the first time made all my pain worth it. She was officially Grandma and I was officially Mom.
Then my sister and her husband showed up -- and I experienced the same feelings all over again. She was Aunt Catie and I was Mom.
From there, with the support of my family and Rick's mom (who came to the hospital every day I was there), my recovery only got easier. Pretty soon I was sitting up in bed, then getting up on my own without help, then sitting in the rocking chair in my room. The nurses kept commenting how much better I was looking, and I kept feeling better every second. The neck IV was finally removed on Thursday -- it was tricky because it was in a main vein so the nurses needed help getting it out. Then they made me get up and take Jacob for a walk down the hallway to prove I was steady enough to be up and around. The IV in my arm was blocked off but stayed in until Friday in case of emergency. That night, my mom helped me shower for the first time since my surgery. I'm glad she was there because I couldn't have done it on my own. I refused to look at myself in the mirror -- I just wasn't ready to see my body yet.
By Friday, we were basically throwing a party in my hospital room -- my family had pizza brought in and the smell was wafting through the entire floor, making the nurses jealous. I was up and around, walking the halls with Mom. That morning a professional photographer came in to take pictures of Jacob -- he was a star through the whole shoot. Those are memories I'll have forever. We were all hoping I would be discharged that night, but my doctor wanted me to stay. She wanted to check one final set of labs in the morning but she was positive I was going home on Saturday.
That night, though, I once again had trouble sleeping. Not because I was feeling bad but because reality was setting in. We were taking Jacob home the next day and we had no idea what we were doing. My family was leaving after we were settled and we would be alone for the first time. No nurses to help out, no nursery to send him to overnight while we slept. It was very nerve wracking on me, especially because I knew I still had a tough road ahead of me in my recovery. While I could get up and move around, it wasn't easy and took me some time. I just couldn't get to Jake as easily as I wanted to yet. Rick was still doing the heavy lifting as far as baby care was concerned, which left me feeling inadequate as a mother. I also knew he was anxious to leave the hospital. He'd only been home once since Jake was born. Every night he slept on the pull out bed in my room, and he refused to leave even though I told him he should take some time for himself while he still could.
Then in the middle of the night, I awoke, shaking very badly. I thought I was just cold, so I woke Rick up. He went to the nurses' station to ask them to turn up the temperature in our room. We had had problems with the temperature since I'd been moved across the wing, so I didn't think anything of it. But then Rick came back in and told me a nurse was coming to check my temperature -- the room wasn't very cold and there was concern I had a fever. I can't tell you how devastated I felt. I was hours from going home. Luckily my temp was normal -- the nurse told me sometimes hormones just make you shake like that. It was hard for me to calm down after that. Rick went back to sleep but I only dozed -- I ended up watching Nick at Nite and leaving the TV on all night after that.
Finally Saturday arrived. We ate breakfast and fed Jake. We were waiting on my labs and for my doctor to circumsize Jake. She didn't get to the hospital until 10am -- I remember thinking it was the longest wait of my life. My doctor discharged me, even though my bp had been high that morning, but we had to wait for Jake to be seen by the on call pediatrician before he would be discharged. All that took until noon or so. It was so frustrating. We were both just staring out the window, waiting. Finally we were given our discharge papers and instructions. I was wheeled out of that room and never looked back.
The first couple days home were rough. I still couldn't do much moving around, and Jake screamed bloody murder for 4 hours overnight that first night. That was when I had my first real mom moment. We had come downstairs to try to get Jake settled into his pack and play, since he'd been okay there earlier that night. Rick was exhausted so he went to lay down in the living room to be close to us. I held Jake and told him my life story that night -- it was the only thing I could think of to do, and finally it worked. He finally fell asleep and I slept on the couch because it was too hard for me to get in and out of bed.
Each day got easier though and pretty soon we were feeling like we were in a routine. I am so grateful that Rick was able to take 4 weeks of paternity leave. I could not have done this without him. When I think about the effort he had to put out during my last few weeks of pregnancy, and then the first few days after Jake was born, it makes me so proud to call him my husband. He showed me his true character, and its something I'll never forget. I am so lucky to have both of these wonderful men in my life -- my boys forever.
This was easily the toughest thing I have ever done, and probably will ever do. People already ask if we're having number two, and after everything I went through, I'm not sure I will ever want to get pregnant again. My doctor says I would be high risk from the beginning and I just don't know if I could stand it. But when I look at my son's beautiful face, and know I got him through 100% healthy, it was absolutely worth it. Its something I try to remember when its 2am and he's up again, having another bottle, or he's crying and I'm not sure why. I suppose that's the journey of parenthood though.
Once I was settled across the way, Rick told me my mom and sister were coming up the next morning. Apparantly he'd been making arrangements with them, which meant so much to me. Before bed, I needed two nurses to help me get up and go to the bathroom. It was awful getting out of bed that first time -- I didn't think I could do it. And then it was horrifying that I needed help sitting down that first time. But I kept telling myself it was going to get better.
My wonderful night nurse came in to start the transfusion. She had to have another nurse come in to go over the paperwork and make sure it was the right blood type and everything. I refused to look at that IV all night -- I couldn't think about blood going into my body. Luckily I mostly slept. I woke up around 3am in some pain though -- my nurse brought me Motrin crushed into applesauce for me. I had been offered Vicodin but I refused. I don't like taking pills or being under the influence of medicine. I later realized my pain was not from the c-section but a Velcro binder around my stomach, keeping the incision clean and holding my stomach in. It was digging into me, cutting me deeply -- I'll always have a scar.
The next morning, I awoke feeling great. The transfusion worked and I was back -- not foggy anymore. I ate a full breakfast and eagerly waited for my family to arrive. It was during this time that I finally realized I had a baby. I was so out of it, I really had lost the first 2 days of Jake's life. Rick had to do absolutely everything -- learn how to change him, feed him, hold him. He was amazing, fatherhood came so easily to him. It reminded me of why I married him in the first place. But now I was left with feelings of uncertainty. I didn't know Jacob at all. I didn't know what his cries meant or his personality -- I couldn't even tell you what he looked like really. That morning was the first time I remember holding him and realizing that I was his mom.
Pretty soon the door opened and my mom walked in. Watching her look at Jacob for the first time made all my pain worth it. She was officially Grandma and I was officially Mom.
Then my sister and her husband showed up -- and I experienced the same feelings all over again. She was Aunt Catie and I was Mom.
From there, with the support of my family and Rick's mom (who came to the hospital every day I was there), my recovery only got easier. Pretty soon I was sitting up in bed, then getting up on my own without help, then sitting in the rocking chair in my room. The nurses kept commenting how much better I was looking, and I kept feeling better every second. The neck IV was finally removed on Thursday -- it was tricky because it was in a main vein so the nurses needed help getting it out. Then they made me get up and take Jacob for a walk down the hallway to prove I was steady enough to be up and around. The IV in my arm was blocked off but stayed in until Friday in case of emergency. That night, my mom helped me shower for the first time since my surgery. I'm glad she was there because I couldn't have done it on my own. I refused to look at myself in the mirror -- I just wasn't ready to see my body yet.
By Friday, we were basically throwing a party in my hospital room -- my family had pizza brought in and the smell was wafting through the entire floor, making the nurses jealous. I was up and around, walking the halls with Mom. That morning a professional photographer came in to take pictures of Jacob -- he was a star through the whole shoot. Those are memories I'll have forever. We were all hoping I would be discharged that night, but my doctor wanted me to stay. She wanted to check one final set of labs in the morning but she was positive I was going home on Saturday.
That night, though, I once again had trouble sleeping. Not because I was feeling bad but because reality was setting in. We were taking Jacob home the next day and we had no idea what we were doing. My family was leaving after we were settled and we would be alone for the first time. No nurses to help out, no nursery to send him to overnight while we slept. It was very nerve wracking on me, especially because I knew I still had a tough road ahead of me in my recovery. While I could get up and move around, it wasn't easy and took me some time. I just couldn't get to Jake as easily as I wanted to yet. Rick was still doing the heavy lifting as far as baby care was concerned, which left me feeling inadequate as a mother. I also knew he was anxious to leave the hospital. He'd only been home once since Jake was born. Every night he slept on the pull out bed in my room, and he refused to leave even though I told him he should take some time for himself while he still could.
Then in the middle of the night, I awoke, shaking very badly. I thought I was just cold, so I woke Rick up. He went to the nurses' station to ask them to turn up the temperature in our room. We had had problems with the temperature since I'd been moved across the wing, so I didn't think anything of it. But then Rick came back in and told me a nurse was coming to check my temperature -- the room wasn't very cold and there was concern I had a fever. I can't tell you how devastated I felt. I was hours from going home. Luckily my temp was normal -- the nurse told me sometimes hormones just make you shake like that. It was hard for me to calm down after that. Rick went back to sleep but I only dozed -- I ended up watching Nick at Nite and leaving the TV on all night after that.
Finally Saturday arrived. We ate breakfast and fed Jake. We were waiting on my labs and for my doctor to circumsize Jake. She didn't get to the hospital until 10am -- I remember thinking it was the longest wait of my life. My doctor discharged me, even though my bp had been high that morning, but we had to wait for Jake to be seen by the on call pediatrician before he would be discharged. All that took until noon or so. It was so frustrating. We were both just staring out the window, waiting. Finally we were given our discharge papers and instructions. I was wheeled out of that room and never looked back.
The first couple days home were rough. I still couldn't do much moving around, and Jake screamed bloody murder for 4 hours overnight that first night. That was when I had my first real mom moment. We had come downstairs to try to get Jake settled into his pack and play, since he'd been okay there earlier that night. Rick was exhausted so he went to lay down in the living room to be close to us. I held Jake and told him my life story that night -- it was the only thing I could think of to do, and finally it worked. He finally fell asleep and I slept on the couch because it was too hard for me to get in and out of bed.
Each day got easier though and pretty soon we were feeling like we were in a routine. I am so grateful that Rick was able to take 4 weeks of paternity leave. I could not have done this without him. When I think about the effort he had to put out during my last few weeks of pregnancy, and then the first few days after Jake was born, it makes me so proud to call him my husband. He showed me his true character, and its something I'll never forget. I am so lucky to have both of these wonderful men in my life -- my boys forever.
This was easily the toughest thing I have ever done, and probably will ever do. People already ask if we're having number two, and after everything I went through, I'm not sure I will ever want to get pregnant again. My doctor says I would be high risk from the beginning and I just don't know if I could stand it. But when I look at my son's beautiful face, and know I got him through 100% healthy, it was absolutely worth it. Its something I try to remember when its 2am and he's up again, having another bottle, or he's crying and I'm not sure why. I suppose that's the journey of parenthood though.
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| Jacob Aaron soon after birth |
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| Jake at around 2 weeks |
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